Ode To A Rotting Apple

Once the taste of your fruit pierced my lips with satisfaction.

Tangy, satisfying, sweet; gratifying and joyful fulfillment of my daily needs.

As time jogs along, the sweetness of your tart dies slowly with every passing day;

Left only with your rotting core, bitterness and resentment have replaced the sweet.

Your etherial magic no longer yearns to satisfy my tongue nor gullet.

It seeks for me to procure a sibling fruit, only to want another and another.

I have become a junkie, and am in need of a new source of nourishment.

One that is long lasting and of better value to my life, body and soul.

I now reject your casuistic nutrition, in search of a truer light.


As I am writing this faux poem, it is approximately noon.  I woke up this morning at about 8:00am with my daughter and got her breakfast going.  I casually checked my text messages and emails, then spent a couple hours with family coming over to go shopping with my wife. Going outside to sit and drink my coffee in the brisk November air, I notice that my (iPhone 6) phone battery is at 17%. I pulled it off the charger this morning at 8:00am with 100%. I am not streaming music, I haven’t left any apps open, Bluetooth and WiFi are off, and I have my screen backlight set at the lowest setting.

That’s right; 17% after four hours and only checking my email and texts once.

What could the problem be with my Apple iPhone? Could it be that I have left apps running in the background? Could it be that I am streaming music or video and am unaware of it? Are the conspiracy theorists right, and is the NSA downloading my hard drive this morning? Perhaps my battery has run its course and I am in need of a replacement?

Nope. I have done everything that Apple suggests to save battery life. Everything.  Everything. I also had the “Genius” Bar replace my battery (at an exorbitant cost) not but two months ago. It’s iOS 11.

I updated my software to iOS 11, and within 15 minutes I was down 50% of my battery life. Googling the issue, I found that thousands of others were experiencing it as well. Not iPhone 7 or 7s, mind you, just the older models. 6 and 6s in particular from what I found. I have also updated to the newer and newest version of the 11 software, and I would guess the problem has been resolved to about a 2% degree. Pathetic.

I charge my phone thrice daily now, and I am an *exceptionally light* smartphone user.

I have spoken to your customer service experts, the Genius Bar folks, and many other tech-savvy people in my life to no avail. There is nothing that will fix this issue; not for lack of effort or battery newness, but because Apple, Inc. doesn’t want it fixed. They want me to buy another newer iPhone.

Dear Apple,

I am not a spendy guy.  I don’t make a ton of money, don’t spend a ton of money, and we like it that way. There are only reasonably frugal people living under my roof. I have been using your iPhones since the 3G.  I’m tired of the planned obsolescence you build into your systems and iOS features.

Every time I have purchased a new iPhone, it is because your software updates have made my device essentially unusable; that, or it makes them so aggravating and/or slow to use that it frustrates me into thinking about your next model. No one forces my hand into my back pocket for your new phones, of course, but you sure do everything you can to convince me into it.

I know you just came out with your $1,000 “X” monstrosity that I could buy and all my phone problems would go away (you know, for a year or something). I know that since I’m not a rich man, I can buy your other new “8” monstrosity for a cool $200 less… but why? In 1-2 years you will just send another quiet Trojan horse through your software and sabotage that device, too.

I will be switching to Android, and that is not because I think they are better phones or software.  It is because I can buy a $300-400 phone and it will be fully functional for as long as I treat it properly. I do like your platform better; I do like the user interface better; I do like your notifications and filing systems better. I just don’t like that the phone I purchased for an already ridiculous price is totally useless now through no fault of my own. My phone should be able to perform (approximately) as it has since purchase date for at least 5-6 years in my opinion (with a possible battery replacement), but y’all just whittle away that lifespan down as much as you can, in nefarious and surreptitious ways.

You make us feel like little tools, little fools, and sucker us into the next future failure.

I purchased the Google Nexus 5 for my wife right when it came out as a birthday gift. We had her battery replaced only once for <$20, and it is working just like it did the day I got it for her.  She is big into tech, and she is extremely happy with her phone to this day. I think I’ve been through 3 iPhones since then.

Apple, if you want me back, put an end to this maddening planned obsolescence. I just know you won’t, but since I’ve probably (at least) spent over $15,000 on your devices through the years, I feel entitled to at least say that one sentence to you…oh wait, that’s right…YOU DON’T CARE!!

Thanks anyway, Apple. Burn in Hell.

Hello, Android!




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